Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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