good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Someone came in the potted fern
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
