I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
