I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
whose ass print is on the piano?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
