btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
