I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
