Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Sacagawea was the original milf.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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