Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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