you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
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You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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