i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?