my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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