Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
