I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
