I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
