Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize