Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
