end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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