Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
