In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
