if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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