Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
