I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
