what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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