Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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