My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
