I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
