Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
