This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
