why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
