Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
