captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
