I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
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I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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