I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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