We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
