it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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