I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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