The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
