how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
