Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do vagina's smell?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
