He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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