omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
