So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
