I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
