I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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