girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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