Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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