how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
