my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
