It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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