dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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