There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
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just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall