Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
then he tried to convert me to islam
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
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I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.