he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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