and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my shit smells like andre
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
