You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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