I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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