i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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