i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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