I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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