so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
