Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
