you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
