You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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