I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
They took my balls.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
