I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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