the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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